She Comes to Me in Dreams
Last night Eva appeared in my dreams. She had come back to find you. She had an important mission of some kind that she needed to tend to. You dropped everything to go with her. You were younger and thinner, with more hair.
You explained that you needed to do this and I let you. I tried to follow you and I couldn’t because you were going too fast, through a maze like rocky landscape.
I awoke feeling jealous. A dream made me feel that way?
I took some time to look at her Facebook memorial page. It was full of pictures of younger you. Skinnier. With more hair. You guys came of age together. From kids to adults. Your beautiful wedding. Your new house. Your new baby. The different fashions and hair styles. Your special places.
She is so incredibly beautiful, I’m sure she made women jealous even in her lifetime. But I wonder how can I be jealous of her now, even though she is gone?
I wish I could be her. At the least be more like her. Then maybe you would love me. But I know in my logical mind that it’s not me replicating her that you want. It’s her.
Something to be said about the love you have for the person who made your child. I know that feeling too, though my kids’ father is absent from my life for some other reasons. There is a connection and a love. I imagine when you loved that person and never grew to hate them (as I did) your bond is even stronger. A thousand times more when you watch them leave the Earth.
I wish I could ask her some things.
I wish I could bring her back for you. I wish I could see you leave me for an impromptu scavenger hunt like my dream. I think I could let you go if you were choosing the real her over me. You said you’d marry her all over again if you could have one more day with her. (You posted that whole dating me).
All the things I cannot control. All the things that linger in my mind and keep me awake. All the things I cannot cure or heal for you. All my shortcomings. All the ways we did this wrong. All the days I will have to spend without you now. I love you and I don’t want to let you go.
You explained that you needed to do this and I let you. I tried to follow you and I couldn’t because you were going too fast, through a maze like rocky landscape.
I awoke feeling jealous. A dream made me feel that way?
I took some time to look at her Facebook memorial page. It was full of pictures of younger you. Skinnier. With more hair. You guys came of age together. From kids to adults. Your beautiful wedding. Your new house. Your new baby. The different fashions and hair styles. Your special places.
She is so incredibly beautiful, I’m sure she made women jealous even in her lifetime. But I wonder how can I be jealous of her now, even though she is gone?
I wish I could be her. At the least be more like her. Then maybe you would love me. But I know in my logical mind that it’s not me replicating her that you want. It’s her.
Something to be said about the love you have for the person who made your child. I know that feeling too, though my kids’ father is absent from my life for some other reasons. There is a connection and a love. I imagine when you loved that person and never grew to hate them (as I did) your bond is even stronger. A thousand times more when you watch them leave the Earth.
I wish I could ask her some things.
I wish I could bring her back for you. I wish I could see you leave me for an impromptu scavenger hunt like my dream. I think I could let you go if you were choosing the real her over me. You said you’d marry her all over again if you could have one more day with her. (You posted that whole dating me).
All the things I cannot control. All the things that linger in my mind and keep me awake. All the things I cannot cure or heal for you. All my shortcomings. All the ways we did this wrong. All the days I will have to spend without you now. I love you and I don’t want to let you go.
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